The {sad} Giving Tree

For my kindergarten play, I was a tree.
Before you laugh at the short girl with messy hair given the mute role
let me say,
it was the giving tree.
And I? I was the main part.
I balanced on milk cartons with the
brown paper that lines preschool hallways
cascading off my back.
And I stood under a canopy of leaves
that weren’t really mine and
played the part.
The boy came and took what I had,
until I had no more.
But I was happy, because the tree in the story was.
But this means nothing because off the stage,
I look more like the boy sitting on a stump
that was once a tree.

But I met a girl.
I’m telling you if I ever met a giving tree - it was this girl.
She dropped her fruit, spread her leaves,
until they started to saw her branches off.
And suddenly, the sweet story of the tree who gave everything to the boy
doesn’t seem so sweet anymore.
Because the stump at the end of the story was happy,
but you?
I don’t think you are.
And I guess the reason I’m saying all this is,
forget shel silverstein.
forget the boy and the tree
You don’t have to be a stump.
Let’s reinvent a story where giving,
doesn’t mean losing it all too.

Standing against terror.

I understand those that are torn by the tragedy in France. They've heard news after news report about "isis" in big capital letters, but they've never felt it so close to the cafe they always loved or so near to the tower they always dreamed of.
But we do, we feel it every day when our people are stabbed, shot and threatened every single second the hand on the clock moves.
So when they scream out from the sudden stab to their gut and the harsh shock of reality, we feel the need to shout " haven't you seen us all along?! We've been suffering in anguish and only now once you've been attacked, it hurts?"
And when our very own suddenly speak up when its them and not us, its wrong.
But.
To speak against those fighting terrorism is wrong. Because above all, we must remember that we have a common enemy. And it may require of us to be the bigger person, to be loud when they were quiet, to fight when they did not.
So you don't have to color your face with the French flag, and please don't if it wasn't Israeli first. But, to say that sharing in the pain of other humans is wrong, is simply cruel.
Remember your priorities, honor the lives of our brothers that were just killed and those that are terrorized every day. Then send a kind word to the hundreds that were killed in France but never, ever did I dream of the day I would see Jews speak against people who just couldn't tolerate the terrorism anymore.
Let's remember that in the face of all this tragedy and terror, whats needed more than anything is support.
(I feel this is a bit drastic to add but I couldn't resist - to quiet those who speak against terrorism, no matter if they are terrorizing the French or the Jews, is supporting terrorism. You don't have to blatantly send your well wishes to France but allow those who choose to do so, do it in peace. Leave the cruelty to the men with masks on their faces.)
As for my personal opinion, I am not about to wish the French people all the good in the world, and I will not make my flag French or post anything other than this on the matter because I am first and foremost an Israeli at heart. But I will not silence those who choose to resist terrorism. Be the bigger person.

I stand with Israel, in prayer.

I want to say something meaningful, something that will comfort the hurt that we are all feeling.
But I've got nothing. Because right now my heart is shattered in a thousand pieces. I'm one post away from deleting facebook and escaping this horrible reality. I read the חדשות that don't seem so new anymore. It's an old, old story. Of hatred and contempt and violence. Its a story I'm so tired of hearing, and so many people are tired of living and dying.
So Gd, you said עשו שונה את יקעב but you also said וזכרתי את בריתי יעקב...הארץ אזכור
You promised G-d.
I sit here with tears streaming and amidst all this fire, I believe you.
I believe you Gd when You say that I'll get to live alongside my brothers and sisters and it won't be on the wrong side of the gun.
I believe You that our land is ours, and we'll live there in harmony. Our enemies but a distant nightmare.
I want to hear a shofar, not another siren.
I sit here clutching to my last strand of hope, praying the next gust of violence won't rip it away.
I believe you Gd when you say we won't have to feel this way anymore.
I believe you Gd, so please.
Please don't let me down.

On yet another tragedy.

It's a wonder that still throughout all these ages of Jewish suffering, the first thing we utter when someone passes is "baruch dayan emet". Blessed be the righteous judge. We hear of a murder and the first thing we do is praise the one who orchestrated it.
Because I guess, yes there is a time to be angry and demand the peace we must deserve. After all this, through all this there is no way you could look me in the eye and say we don't deserve peace. I will be angry and I will bang my fists on this table smeared  with the blood of my brothers. But. Baruch dayan emet. At the end of the day, He has it figured out. And even if its a scary fact, our lives are dependent on Him. Baruch dayan emet. Because surely, one of these days He will judge us, and it will be righteous.
So at the very least, say it as a prayer, a request. Please G-d, judge us righteously. And we will soar to the city we all belong in, alive and together.

Remembering Taiga.

I had my very own marley for me.
I would pull up the little brown stool that wandered around our kitchen, and plop myself down beside you. I would sing songs, convinced that while all those people inside the kitchen were annoying - you would be and were my best friend. I don't know how you didn't bark at the first sounds of me singing. But truth be told, you didn't bark much. When storms came and scared you stiff, you would just cower in the bathroom - hoping it would be over soon.
Oh, you sweet girl.
My sister and I would come to you with our newly gifted plastic medical kits and lift your ear, open your mouth and check your paws. You didn't protest. Not even when we decided you were the next best thing to a donkey.
I would ask about that big black ball that caused your left eye to droop just a few centimeters and the reply was always "Hashem made her like that."
And yes He did. He made you like that.
He made you a sweet puppy who grew into a dog that was nothing short of the younger sibling I never had.
He made you with a coat better than shining armor, your hairs were deep red - forever shedding around the house.
And I remember, sweet girl. I remember how I grew up with you always there and I remember the day that He took you back. I went with Imma to go pick up her sheitel, for it was a Friday afternoon. On the way to the car, we passed Abba and the boys digging your new bed. Your forever bed.
And I came back and I sat by you, laid my hand on your belly and watched it rise and fall, rise and fall, rise and fall. I watched you breathe heavily until my hand fell with your exhale and didn't rise back up. "Abba!" I called "Taiga isn't breathing". So they picked up what once was you and placed it on our favorite orange sled, one last time we pulled you to the apple tree in our backyard.
I don't remember any ceremony, just dirt filling the space where I first encountered death. Just me placing my favorite toy dog on top of the fresh mound because I decided you needed a companion. And each week, the mound got flatter. And then the apples fell, rotting into the ground. I hope they were sweet, I would feed you my crust if only I still could.
There are 8 of us, and yet you were each of ours and ours alone.
I  hate the fact that I'm the youngest because I got to live with you the least.
And I was little, not more than a 2nd grader. But I remember you, golden girl.
And I miss my Taiga more than makes sense.

Throwback poem/prose.. Those People.

We all have those people. God, I hope we all have those people. I hope everybody has people like I do. Because I have some stinkin’ good people.
Those people, for me are the ones i stay up late texting.
Those people are the ones who I discuss the latest absolutely marvelous poem with.
Those people are the ones who send me ted talks that i am obliged to watch
Those people are the ones I send a ted talk back to, because it was completely life changing
Those people roam the aisles of target with me, buying the newest chips over discussions of the pleasures of arguing
Those people are the ones who argue with me because man, its just so fun
Those people embrace my craziness and stand there, despite this messy hair and all
Those people are the ones I laugh with, in the most cliched, side aching way
Those people are my teachers, long after they've left the official position.
Those people are the ones I call crying, with yet another ridiculous fiasco
Those people listen.
Those people offer advice.
Those people are honest with me. In the most beautiful, terrifying and encouraging way.
Those people are even my enemies, who fuel me with the desire to prove what is right
Those people feel like late summer nights.
Those people feel like a deeply satisfying poem.
Those people are my friends.
Those people are my family.
Those people are my rocks.
Those people are
my people.

Throwback poem. Eric Garner.

Please just leave me alone,
Officer
Please just leave me alone.
A man minding his business,
Approached because of the
Complexion of his skin.
Innocent until proven guilty,
Flipped upside down on its very face.
Justice has taken another form
From what I have known it to be.
Standing on a street corner
Is no longer okay
When you're skin is too dark.
The right to exist is not there
When you're judged for who you are.
Guilty until proven innocent,
Never even given the chance.
Slap a badge on it, give it a gun
And all actions are excused.
Since when is living a crime.
Since when is murder not.
Trends are for bowties and skinny jeans,
Not the murder of innocent people.
Today I am ashamed to be white.
Today I am ashamed to be safe.
Today I will stand up for those who no longer can.

Please officer, just leave me alone.
Please officer, just leave me alone.
I was just standing here.
I'm so sick of this.
I can't breathe.

Shabbos tree.

Every week when I was young, on the way to shul we would pass the good shabbos tree.
The process was simple, a few houses down and across the street, the third oak tree from the left was our tree. On saturday mornings and only on saturday mornings not past a certain time (the good shabbos tree wasn't fond of children late to shul) this tree was magic. With a simple "good shabbos, shabbos tree" and a quick {forbidden} hug, the tree would rain down fruit by the foots on us - our treat of choice. I would nudge my father to be out the door before it was too late each and every week, for nothing was worse than when the shabbos tree ignored you.
Sometimes the mysterious tree would appoint a different tree a block or two ahead of it's usual post. This was all rather confusing. So my little mind would consider the various options, maybe the candy was thrown from airplanes in which delighted passengers were so proud of my shul-going activities?
But then I flew on my first flight and the windows didn't open and not much could be seen down below.
Harumph.
But each week I was more pleased with the arrival of candy than the confusion as to it's source. Not much else matters when your mouth is filled with sweetness.
And now sometimes I wonder when the good shabbos tree lost it's magic.
Was it in a moment of carelessness when my father accidentally allowed us to see him throwing the candy up from behind?
Or was it when I realized that trees make leaves, not candy.
Perhaps one day I started stealing candies from the cupboard and no longer needed to venture across the street.
One day, the tree was no longer magical and it's allure wore off.
Sometimes I wonder what it would take to make me feel such mysterious magic again.

Throwback poem. Balance.

A society of juice fasts and diets
Of unplugging and marathon
Training. There is no longer
An in between. The grey area
So off referred to is skipped
Over replaced by harsh black lines
On college ruled paper.
I am right. All else is wrong.
The fear of admitting
There might be something
That none of us know
For sure.
Look up. Look down.
Viral videos, articles posts
Opinions flying without relent
It is not technology
Or obesity
Or health
It is balance.
A lifestyle of extremes is not one
To be lived
So please I implore you
Be Phone off or phone on
Look ahead.
Think on your own
and achieve
the balance in that little gray area
We call life.

Texting.

Texting is the land of miscommunications. We send out messages, waiting for replies - forgetting the human on the other side of the screen. False assurances typed out, an emoji here, lol there will make things alright. Providing an air of "no, you are not forgotten. All the attention you could possibly need is right here in the palm of your hand. With me. But not all of me. Only the parts of me so filtered out, snatches of time in which to type a reply. Our relationships should not rely on the appearance of that second check. Our role models should not be the little green words saying " typing...". We fall back on our phones, an easy way out. After all it is infinitely easier to say what we would rather not hear to a screen that will not give us looks of disgust. An emoji cannot replace what a glance will do. Humanity is human. I think we should be too.

So no need to put the phone away but could you please press that phone symbol. Give me a ring, I'd love to hear your voice. I'd love to have you hear mine.

Throwback poem. The Angel's Nightmare.

The Angel's Nightmare
A missile soars past heaven
Headed towards its destination below.
An angel peeks out the curtain
Sighting the strife between man.
Another rushes to the door
Ushering in the next young soul
Hands in his pockets, tears in his eyes.
Yes, the angels sleep on clouds of fluff
And dream in the colors of the sunset
But that little curtain
Showing all the misery that is earth
Terrorizes their nights.

Throwback poem. Dreams.

Dreams as high as balloons
are what root us down.
Dreams as wild as a tiger
are what keep us calm.
Dreams as fantastical as a fairytale
are what make us real.
Dreams as big as the sky
are what give us hope
keeping our necks craned,
eyes open and hands dirty.
Because you’ll have dreams little one,
Dreams of the future,
of the present about to slip away,
Dreams of what the past could’ve been.
Your heart will grow with every
Dream, wish and whisper
until it feels like it might explode
and float away into the sky
for all to see.
But with that tiny fist
you’ll hold fast
and those wishes of yours
won’t slip away
until they aren’t wishes
anymore.
Oh, those dreams won’t be carried with the wind
until they become
a life, a reality,
a dream to call your own.

Throwback poem. Let's Talk.

Let's talk.
About vulnerability and fear
That leave us shaking in our boots
But keep our toes dry
About regret and anticipation
One bleeding into the next
Until you aren't quite sure
Where to go
Or what to feel
About sorrow and mourning
Hatred and love
The complexity of relationships
And where this one might go.
Let's talk
About the future and where we want it to find us
What we want to tell it to do
For it is ours for the taking
Lets talk of the past
Of opportunities lost
Let's talk about now
This swing
That pretty sun
And the Gd behind it all
About how humans are funny things
All wanting and feeling the same
Yet we all can't quite get it
I guess its the process of how each got there
That makes us different
Let talk about the things that make us better
Or drag us down
The things that make us cry
Or the things that make us smile
What makes you afraid of that
And me of this
About why its so hard sometimes
To just say thank you. And accept
Flattery showered your way
About justice and systems
And solutions to make this world
A better one for all that inhabit
So let's talk
Open our minds and feel no regrets
Because I want to be the best human I can be.
And I think that makes two of us.

To the man outside rite aid.

To the man outside rite aid.
First of all, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that you're there on the hard cement, pants ripped and hand callused from being outstretched in begging all day long. That you are the one rattling your cup full of meager earnings and beseeching the conscience of every passerby.
I'm sorry that you're there, and I'm here. Comfortable and satiated, with enough pocket change to fill a preschooler's swear jar.
Because it just awful and it doesn't make any sense. We should both be here.
But as I walk past you on a shabbos afternoon, pockets free of random change I instinctually avert my gaze. I couldn't possibly look you in the eye when I had nothing to offer. If guilt had a form it would be you, face rugged and unshaven, sitting and imploring.
But then I imagine all the people who must pass by you everyday, looking in every which direction - averting, avoiding. I wonder how awful that must feel. Because not only has your bank account been depleted, so has your humanity.
And to the dear man outside rite aid,
I see you.
I hear you.
And as I walked by you today and simply smiled and said hi, when you smiled back I know you saw me.
Because pocket change aside, we're both human and you deserve to be seen.
Hello, dear man outside rite aid.
I don't know how often you get to hear that.
Hello.

I miss Israel.

I miss the Jerusalem sky and then I remember the changing of seasons in America.
I miss the way the desert rolled past our moving bus and then I remember the way the wind rustles the leaves in schenley, causing the sun flares to dance.
I miss the feeling of content as the bus pulled up into beit meir, the sun setting gloriously and then I remember late night trips to target.
I miss my newfound friends and then I remember the old ones.
I miss camp and then I remember school.
Oh how I wish that the past, present and future could just meet up for a nice chat.
Hey then, sup now, see ya later.
Then we could all just sit still for a second with nowhere else to be but here.